Monday, October 24, 2005

Seeking Rest, Finding None

I’m unraveling. As I sit here at my desk trying desperately to think of anything else, all I can do is hear his words repeating in my head. He sounded so tired, so sad. I asked if he’d been sleeping, as I’d been up till 5AM last night with a sick feeling that he was awake, he told me that they’d not given him a bed yet. He’s been sleeping on the concrete floor of a 20-foot holding cell for two nights now without a blanket, a small improvement from his first night of sleeping upright on a concrete bench. More than tired, he’s thirsty. At 4:30AM he’s given a pint of milk and nothing else to drink for the rest of the day, not even with the meals that he’s refusing to eat. Knowing how picky he is about food, I’m not altogether shocked. There is a sink above the toilet, he said, but unsurprisingly he finds that to be as appealing as the thin bologna sandwiches he won’t eat. He asked if I’d make raviolis for him when he gets home.

Yesterday was his ex-wife’s birthday. I wonder if she was happy knowing that the father of her child was spending his day dehydrating in a filthy jail thanks to her. How do you go from being married to someone to caring not at all for them? How do people just change like that? I’ll never understand.

I went to church last night and felt surprisingly joyful - joyful because I believe with all my heart that God will somehow use this for good. As I sang the words to the song, “and right now in the good times and bad, you are on your throne, you are God alone,” I reminded myself that God is still in control and I prayed that he would give M some comfort through this difficult time, when it’s difficult to find any at all.

When it’s obvious that M and I lack the power to change this situation in any way, shape, or form, it helps to know that ultimately, this is in God’s hands. I just pray these next few days will pass quickly. I just pray they’ll be some rest for M tonight.

33 comments:

Kristi said...

One thing I've learned is that if life were always easy, we would never learn to trust God or know God in a personal way. Hang in there. Try to discover what God wants to teach you and M through this and how He wants to bring you closer to Himself. He loves you and will give you comfort and strength!

Corry said...

I agree with Kristi. Have faith and trust Him.

Keeping both of you in our prayers!

God's Grace.

olympiada said...

What is the start of this story nunzi? You know my ex husband was violent with me twice and I decided not to file a restraining order? He knows if he ever tried to force his way into my apartment again the police would arrest him. We get along great now.

Nunzia said...

sometimes the best thing to do is make peace... glad some people realize that! I just pray that his ex-wife's heart changes somehow... however hopeless that seems at this moment.

Ariel1980 said...

The American songwriter Stephen Foster, in 1855, penned a song that I heard performed yesterday by a beautiful trio, entitled "Hard times come again no more". Reading your post I was reminded of it:

"Let us pause in life's pleasures
And count its many tears,
While we all sup sorrow with the poor;
There's a song that will linger
Forever in our ears;
Oh hard times come again no more.

Tis the song, the sigh of the weary,
Hard times, hard times,
Come again no more
Many days you have lingered
Around my cabin door;
Oh hard times come again no more."

Faith is faith, and G-d can turn this into something good. In my liturgy, the Hebrew "tehillim" (or "psalms") there is a quote "G-d keeps faith with the prisoners, he remembers those who sleep in the dust". Dust or cell floor, I think it fits, and I am keeping you both in my prayers.

Ari

Nunzia said...

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. Seeing these posts has been all that's gotten me through today. God bless you.

olympiada said...

Nunzia I was rejected by two clergy members of my diocese. One of them I pray more than the other that his heart changes towards me. The other was my former spiritual father and he abused me.
Is it profitable for us to pray that others hearts be changed? Where did you learn to pray like this?
May I ask what christian tradition you belong to?

Nunzia said...

I'm a Bible-believing Christian. I do believe that God can change hearts and I think that the only hope that M's ex-wife's heart will be changed is by His moving in her heart. Whether or not God answers my prayers in the way I wish, I think it's always profitable to direct those desires prayerfully to the Lord. It's the only hope there is.

olympiada said...

well what about cutting off desire? have you heard of the philokalia or buddhism? are you an evangelical christian? having you heard of hermits?
you know i do not know about the desires of our hearts. are they good? i do not know...i had a man tell me to divorce because i still had desires in my heart, but when my desires turned on him, he cut me off, so i don't know. that is why i say 'cut your desires off' you know? mine just cause me big fat Trouble.

Nunzia said...

it seems that you are basing your view on life from one interaction you had. the desires of mens' hearts are often sinful, but when we are seeking God's desires for our life, I think we are walking on better ground. I'm confident that God will lead both M and I through this difficult time, and that we will be stronger for having gone through it.

carolyn said...

Chica... Keep your head up! You'll make it through this.

G said...

why the hell is a beautiful girl like you so down. Smart too, funny. They dont make many of you. Youre an antique... so start smiling! :D see

steve said...

Just came over from Joe's blog. God bless. Hope the situation gets better. God always has it under control

Joe said...

Thank you for droppng by my blog.

I pray that things will work out well for you, as I know they will if you love God and are called according to His purpose in Christ.

Come back by any time.

Katie said...

Your faith in God's work inside this storm is amazing.

“and right now in the good times and bad, you are on your throne, you are God alone,” - how true and yet how hard to truly believe with conviction and peace. It seems you are there. I hope that peace surrounds you throughtout this situation.

martie said...

I'm glad that God or something led you to my blog and my posting helped you in some small way. I realize that we don't know each other at all but sometimes stranger's make the best listeners. I have no answers but I do have a great shoulder to lean on and a lot of compassion. It sounds as if you are going through some really bad times right now. I want you to know that each of us will have tough times to endure at some point in our lives and there seems no way out, but trust in the Lord and keep your prayers going. He listens! Good luck.

green said...

God uses these trials in life to test and hopefully strengthen our faith in Him. You may not understand God's plan now but there is one for you and M. If you are meant to be together then you'll both get through this.

Thanks for stopping by and posting on my blog. Take care & God bless.

Romeo Jensen said...

hey nan... I'll pray wid ya as well. Let me encourage you to read my posting (about a week ago) "God's Loudest Leaf"
Its an inspirational poem about the Power of God and how He is always there with us when we feel so all alone
God Bless -- Romey

Zeke said...

You know what? This totally sucks. And regardless of whether or not the circumstances ever become less challenging, they all work for the good.

I learned a while ago that what makes faith strong is "years and tears." You gotta have both.

OTTMANN said...

Stay strong in times of testing.

Peace be with you.

martie said...

Hope today find you doing better.....since reading this post and the last one, you and M have been on my mind a great deal. I am continuing to pray for both of you that God will grant you both some much needed peace and patience. As a mother, I will soon be forced to face the fact that one of my sons will probably be in this same situation for faliure to pay child support due to lack of a job and a vehicle to get to one. And, I, like you are powerless to do something to change it for the better. Hang in there....if the good Lord brought you to it, He will get you through it!

Mrs The Experience said...

Good luck to you. What a mess. But it will all work out. Too bad the ex can't put the daughter first. How much longer will he be in the pokey? Can you visit him?

Nunzia said...

it is a shame. Fortunately, it looks like M will be home before the week is through. I'll be posting another blog today so... stay tuned! (and thank you all for your encouragement and prayers!)

maizzy said...

Hi!

Thank you for coming and visiting my kitties...

All the best for you and M...

Maizzy

olympiada said...

nunzia you couldn't be more wrong about me. have you really read my blog? i think i have more experience than you care to know. you do not know me, i guarantee it. you can block me if you choose but i warn you to watch your self. i do not think you are going down a good path with this man. and i may be the only voice of opposition on your blog but so be it. you can listen or ignore, the choice is up to you.
how much of the old testament have you read?

Nunzia said...

i do appreciate your opinion and believe me the last thing I'm trying to do is judge you in any way. I think that your point of view is valid for you given what you've been through, but I also think that some people are better equipped to deal with the pasts of the people they love. I have a past too. Everyone does. Granted that M was married before and has a child. Why does that mean I'm on a bad path?

olympiada said...

nun, who said your path was bad? what kind of counsel are you under anyways? you don't even belong to an organized religion! i am trying to save you, your beloved, and his child, a lot of trouble.
you are in no position to judge me, you know that. you see my pain. do you want it? i am trying to keep you from it if you would just put down your defenses and listen to me. i was your age when i made the decision to marry. i made. just like you. i made. it is the man who should be the initiator, not the woman.
i really think you are barking up the wrong tree with this man. leave him alone. let him find his own way. if he comes back to you so be it. stop chasing him girl. don't you have a life? go save the children. i am serious. what are you doing?!

Nunzia said...

I'm not really sure where you are getting the assumptions you are getting here. Who said I was chasing him? Who said I was initiating anything? Who said that I don't belong to an organized religion. Last time I checked, Christianity did qualify as one. I pray on this and I seek out God's will in His word. I appreciate your insights, but you are wrong to think that I am bound for the same conclusion that you reached...

Anonymous said...

Olympiada, i believe you said she was going down a bad path in your 1:14PM post. where are you getting all this anyway? Leave the girl alone.

olympiada said...

nun, organized religion, fine, do you belong to a church. listen, as i said on my other post, if you want me to ignore you just tell me, and i will. i believe we met because you responded to one of my poems. now, if you want i have, you have to listen to me. if not, tell me, and i will go away. it is that simple. you and your friends can judge me all you want, but can you listen?
is your prayer life guided? are you under guidance?
and anonymous, that was a weak thing to do. if you want to critique me, show your name.

Nunzia said...

I've not judged you and I don't think anyone else posting has either. I am listening to what you have to say, I just think we disagree on a number of things. My prayer life is guided by my faith in God and my staying in his word and attending a good Christian church and surrounding myself with godly people. I don't understand why you are being so intolerant.

olympiada said...

Nun, I am not being intolerant. If I were I would not be showing my face on your blog. We simply come from different Christian traditions. This is an interfaith dialogue. Look how much courage I have. I have come here amongst your own, laid down my life as it were. I allow you to come on my blog and get support from my community.
How productive is this conversation?

Steve said...

OLYMPIADA:
You have now set a new mark for the most condescending person I have ever seen on a blog. Not only that, you are apparently extremely pretentious. I am not judging you as a person since I don't know you personally, so don't go there... I am only judging what you have written here on this and other comments on this blog. Beyond what Nunzia here is experiencing with her boyfriend, you decide that now is the time to lecture her.

Let's assume you are right... is this the best way to communicate with someone by bullying them? Beyond having to deal with her situation, she is now forced to deal with your judgmental and condescending attitude. Whatever Christian tradition you come from, I certainly want no part of the "Christ" you represent.

You seem to be a "Dr. Laura Wannabe" with no idea of how to wield the supposed wisdom you propose to offer.

Let me offer you a little advice myself... call me a "Dr. Phil Wannabe" if you like... why don't you put your arm around the person you want to give advice to and walk with them awhile. Then, and only then, might you earn the right to offer them insights and guidance from your previous experiences.

NUNZIA: I hope you are OK... take care of yourself!