Sunday, October 16, 2005

Elizabethtown, Worth a trip?

So I had this wonderful idea on Friday. Rather than attending a good friend's party, I decided to persuade my boyfriend to take me to see Cameron Crowe's "Elizabethtown" on it's opening night. What a sad sad mistake I made. Had I told him to take 20 dollars, crumble it up, and throw it in the street, he would have been more pleased with the night's outcome. It definitely would have been more entertaining for us both. But this is still a gross understatement.

I am not exaggerating when I say that Elizabethtown is by far the worst, most poorly made, ill-conceived, and badly written film I have ever seen in my entire life... possibly the worst film in the entire history of cinema. I never write about movies in my blog, but if I can prevent one poor soul from the two unbearable hours of misery I endured, I will be content with this post.

Never in all my years have I seen an audience so disgruntled by any film. Even the insanely drunk crowd behind us, who spent the better part of the night laughing inappropriately at how unfunny the film was eventually became angered as the film dragged on. The couple sitting next to us eventually ended up 5 feet further away from one another with their arms folded defensively across their chests. Whether it was a first date or not, it was clear that it would be their last. Yes, this film will definitely be the downfall of many would-be relationships. Of all the assesments of this film that I've heard, I have to say, my little sister summed it up best when I called her the next day, only to find out that I was too late and that she had already wasted her time and money seeing it, when she said, "For two hours, I wanted to kill myself. The ticket lady should have given us razor blades instead of tickets." Once again, a gross understatement.

Having made films like Jerry McGuire and Vanilla Sky, I had come to expect more from Cameron Crowe. But this was beyond ameteurish. It was plain torture. It called to mind the infinitely long Andy Warhol film of a fly sitting on a man's arm. I wondered if Crowe got some similar sick pleasure out of forcing us to sit there for 2 hours vainly hoping there would be a point to what we'd been watching. Sadly, the joke was on us. And there was really nothing funny about it.

I probably should not have admitt to my boyfriend afterwards that I had already read the bad reviews the film had gotten before we went to see it. "It was galling," "It was a spectacular disappointment," "It was a disaster of mythic proportions." Maybe that should have given it away? Nevertheless, I'd been convinced that the film was worth seeing if only to see my favorite elf, Orlando Bloom. Much to my dismay, by the end of the film, I, myself, was inclined to hop on an excercise-bike-turned-instrument-of-death in the way he did in the film. That would have been far less painful!

My prediction? By next weekend, this film will crash and burn much in the way the ridiculous giant bird in the memorial service scene did. Now THAT will be entertaining.

23 comments:

David Dalley said...

Hah! Love the review, and I agree entirely. I just wish I'd read your post yesterday. I want my two hours back!

ziggystardust73 said...

I'm so disappointed to hear all these bad reviews if only for the fact that Orlando Bloom can usually carry any film for me with his Elvin looks alone.

Obviously not this time...!

The Butterknife said...

See now, I've had conversations that the people in that film had right in front of me.

Yes, it was confusing at parts with lots of story lines.

But, there was LIFE in that film.

SACRED MARKINGS said...

I couldn't disagree more with the poor reviews of the film, plus you haven't said WHAT about the film didn't work for you...Was it the dialogue, the plot? I mean, who wouldn't have laughed their ass off at the flaming "freebird" flying through the crowd?

Granted...I think parts of the film had a kind of "guess you had to be there" kind of quality to it, but if a person has known loss, has felt the kind of distance that can sometimes happen in families and then had the experience of REALLY seeing your family again as if for the first time, and has also felt that confusing edge with another person...where there is attraction, chemistry, and yet you're in different places/phases regarding "relationship"...I don't see how you couldn't have thought there were some redeeming qualities to the film, most especially the "journey of grieving" that Bloom's character does on the road trip.

Nunzia said...

The entire film was just uncomfortable. The idea behind it was a beautiful one and that is what prompted me to go see the film in spite of the critics poor reviews. The film was just put together in such a messy way. The characters are eerily fake. The story line is implausible. Why couldn't the mother go get the body herself? How did she have time to take so many classes? Why did Orlando Bloom's character not know if his father was "fun" when he'd only been away from him for a couple of years? The scene at the end could have been redeeming had it not dragged on for as long as it had. The conversations between Dunst and Bloom went nowhere and made no sense. Their feelings towards one another never seemed justified. The scene of the mother tap dancing was so misplaced. She hogged the limelight at her husband's memorial service and even I felt embarressed for her (just about the only emotions the film evoked for me). You never got an idea as to who anyone in the film was beyond their facades. It was just very sloppy, very drawn out, and failed to move me in any way shape or form... except towards the exit signs... as quickly as I possibly could move!

Mike said...

Absolutely the worst movie ever filmed! Having all your teeth drilled out by some backwoods hillbilly dentists with a jig saw would be more of a delight. They in the least could offer some sedatives at the theatre entrance to viewers who absolutely must see this film despite the reviews. Me.. I blame it on my lovely girlfriend. Some things are just meant to be. If you're there now... STOP! TURN AROUND AND GO FIND SOME HEAVY TRAFFIC TO PLAY IN!

crossblade said...

hmmm
thanks for saving me then Nunzia..

carolyn said...

lol... I second that. I even suggested that we go see it when my momma was here. Gracias a Dios no lo hicimos. (Thank goodness we didn't see it. ;)

hope and love said...

hi.
:))
iv not seen the movie. so cant comment.. but ur writing style is real good. iv added ur blog to my favs.
txs for visiting my blog.

Damian said...

I was turned off by the preview so you just confirmed what I had already predicted.

Ashley said...

wow. I was gonna go see this movie too cause I adore Orlando. You definitely convinced me not to. Thanks for the warning!

Oh yeah, just wanna say how much I enjoy your humor: a whole heck of a lot.

Plus, you've got a cool name.

caprice said...

wow. i get it. you hate it. fair points. did any of you even like the music?

Jonathan said...

had you not commented on my blog, I'd have not come here and read your "review", to which I have to say....

Thanks a lot. You just ruined a good movie for me. I liked it, but now that you point out all of the fallacies I was overlooking, I don't think I like it anymore. Why couldn't you just let me live in my ignorance?

Ignorance is bliss. :) Thanks for showing me the light.

Lisa said...

well, you've saved me from seeing it. so for that, i owe you my utmost thanks!
(love the blog by the way!)

jenn said...

Hey there,
You know, I loved the movie in the theatre but after I got home and thought about it a while, I realized; I loved it even more as "Garden State."

I hate to back-peddle but it irritates me as an artist that Zach Braff could make a brilliant indie film all on his own that smacks of fresh ingennuity, and cameron crowe can just do a remake of the same theme, install a better indie soundtrack and win the game.

So yeah, good call and thanks for the comment.
-jenn (navkat)

Thomas said...

Kingdom of Heaven with Orlando Bloom wasn't that good either. Probably shouldn't rent this DVD either.

utenzi said...

I love Dunst's face but wasn't willing to see the film just for her. I had no idea that it was THAT bad though. Now, after reading your review of the film, I'm extremely glad I never went to see it. Thanks!

#28 said...

Just wanted to say thanks for stopping by my blog, and you are HOTT!

bethy31 said...

Ok, I could never really figure out how I felt about Garden State...so that made me like it...and I tend to be one of those people who has to go see it for myself...but I will go with a more critical eye now that you've posted this ...thanks!

Scooter said...

I agree with some of what you say about the movie, but I guess I didn't hate it as passionately as you did. (I would've given it a C/C- on a grading scale). I guess I still considered it watchable, as opposed to you.

I do think it was overlong, especially the intensely uncomfortable tap-dancing scene by Susan Sarandon at the end. What is it with Hollywood and uncomfortable tap-dancing scenes? (Richard Gere in Chicago, anyone?)

If you'd like to see a good movie, even if it is a little childish, go to Wallace & Gromit. I've posted a review for it on my blog, if you (or anyone) would like to check it out:

http://cagefighter030180.blogspot.com/

meesterjoneser said...

The movie got only a 30 percent positive rating from 100 critics at www.rottentomatoes.com a site I highly recommend.

"By the time Elton John sings, 'Soon as this is over, we'll go home,' moviegoers will be way ahead of him."
-- John Beifuss, COMMERCIAL APPEAL (MEMPHIS, TN)

However, 95 percent liked Wallace & Gromit:
"Wallace and Gromit are two of the most lovably goofy characters in movie history with amazing chemistry, and appeal to all ages, which is quite shocking for two lumps of clay"
-- Willie Waffle, WAFFLEMOVIES.COM

Woof!

Nightcrawler said...

Thanks for saving me the cash! For that, you earned a link!

Janet said...

Fast Times At Ridgemont High was classic. Jerry Maguire was good. Almost Famous was a disappointment. Now Elizabethtown is too?