Fear. Doubt. Second Thoughts.

And suddenly it hits you.

The old familiar feeling of panic that had for so long been absent comes racing back; anxiety, worry, fear settles in. With nothing gradual about its onset, you almost didn’t notice it was happening, but it has. It’s too late to stop it. And now all you can do is worry about the how and why of it all, as you try to figure out a way to slow the racing thoughts, to escape the nagging questions you haven’t yet begun to answer for yourself. This is the consequence of falsely believing you’ve finally made up your mind, that you finally know what you want.

But this is not about M.

This is about my other passion – or what has for so long been my passion – my desire to go to law school, and the reasons why I’ve put it off for so long -- and the nagging desire I feel to finally take it on and to redeem myself for all this waiting -- and the contrary advice of others who are able to pinpoint the doubts in me I still can’t bring myself to admit.

What do I really want? I thought I knew.

I moved from my native Brooklyn, NY to Virginia two years ago with the hope of making a life for myself here so I could get into GMU law school as an in-state resident (the only way I could afford to go). After various professional experiences in public and economic policy, on the Hill and off, I found myself time and time again toying with the idea of going. But there was always something in my way. Be it health concerns or issues, competing job priorities, financial concerns – something always kept me from following through with what I thought I always wanted… until a few days ago, when I decided that now was the time to apply.

Until a few minutes ago, when my boss sat me down and picked apart my vainly concealed reasons for wanting to go now. For fear that at 24 if I wait any longer, I’ll never be able to start a family at a young age, for fear that since I’m getting married, it’s time I get my ducks in a row, for fear that after spending 3 months in the hospital and being an endless disappointment to my family back home, it was time to vindicate myself and prove that I still have what it takes. And I admit – a lot of this decision has been motivated by fear, but it’s also motivated by desire… to do more with my life, to live up to God’s will, to do something with my education and not just give up and settle down. I’m so conflicted.

Now that I have M and I’ve overcome the obstacles that plagued me this past summer, I’m ready to tie up loose ends. I’m ready to take the next step. But is law school the logical choice?

There are just so many choices, still so many competing priorities. If I don’t do it now, will I ever do it? Is that reason enough to take that leap? I thought I knew, but now – in the words of someone I’ve quoted many times before – I’m not sure that I know what I think I know.

I wish I knew.