Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Fear. Doubt. Second Thoughts.

And suddenly it hits you.

The old familiar feeling of panic that had for so long been absent comes racing back; anxiety, worry, fear settles in. With nothing gradual about its onset, you almost didn’t notice it was happening, but it has. It’s too late to stop it. And now all you can do is worry about the how and why of it all, as you try to figure out a way to slow the racing thoughts, to escape the nagging questions you haven’t yet begun to answer for yourself. This is the consequence of falsely believing you’ve finally made up your mind, that you finally know what you want.

But this is not about M.

This is about my other passion – or what has for so long been my passion – my desire to go to law school, and the reasons why I’ve put it off for so long -- and the nagging desire I feel to finally take it on and to redeem myself for all this waiting -- and the contrary advice of others who are able to pinpoint the doubts in me I still can’t bring myself to admit.

What do I really want? I thought I knew.

I moved from my native Brooklyn, NY to Virginia two years ago with the hope of making a life for myself here so I could get into GMU law school as an in-state resident (the only way I could afford to go). After various professional experiences in public and economic policy, on the Hill and off, I found myself time and time again toying with the idea of going. But there was always something in my way. Be it health concerns or issues, competing job priorities, financial concerns – something always kept me from following through with what I thought I always wanted… until a few days ago, when I decided that now was the time to apply.

Until a few minutes ago, when my boss sat me down and picked apart my vainly concealed reasons for wanting to go now. For fear that at 24 if I wait any longer, I’ll never be able to start a family at a young age, for fear that since I’m getting married, it’s time I get my ducks in a row, for fear that after spending 3 months in the hospital and being an endless disappointment to my family back home, it was time to vindicate myself and prove that I still have what it takes. And I admit – a lot of this decision has been motivated by fear, but it’s also motivated by desire… to do more with my life, to live up to God’s will, to do something with my education and not just give up and settle down. I’m so conflicted.

Now that I have M and I’ve overcome the obstacles that plagued me this past summer, I’m ready to tie up loose ends. I’m ready to take the next step. But is law school the logical choice?

There are just so many choices, still so many competing priorities. If I don’t do it now, will I ever do it? Is that reason enough to take that leap? I thought I knew, but now – in the words of someone I’ve quoted many times before – I’m not sure that I know what I think I know.

I wish I knew.


green said...

I'm with you on the fear and nagging doubts as I procrastinate going back to school myself... If you don't do it now you may never do it. Once kids enter the picture, fugeddaboudit. I say GO FOR IT! You never know if you will succeed if you don't try...

On the plus side, you are young still and have plenty of time on the baby-clock most women seem to have. Women are having kids into their 40's these days. Look at actress Geena Davis. My sister was born when my mom was 39 and that was considered a high risk pregnancy back then (23 years ago)

Anyway, pray about it, then pray some more. Good luck with your decision...

Pia said...

pray about it, nun. there might be some things that God wants you to do first or maybe God has other plans for you. whatever that is, pray about it. you'll never go wrong with Him. it'll help you make the right decision.

God bless.

audrey` said...

Pray to Jesus about your heart's desires. Just trust Him to lead you to the right path.
You'll have my support and encouragement in your final decision.
I'll be praying for you :)

Corry said...

Yes, pray about it. God will show you where to go and what to do. He will guide and lead you.

My prayers are with you, girl

God's Grace.

naive-no-more said...

Well, we all certainly have been held back by our own fear and feelings of inadequacy.

Oddly, it's some of those same feelings that help us to aspire to what we want.

Give it time, you'll make the right choice.

martie said...

I agree with naive....she just says things better than I can! Pray about it and He will answer in His time! I'm sure you will make the right decision! Good luck!

Damian said...

Whatever your choice will be you will certainly learn from it, use it to make you a better person and stronger. God speed.

Kristi said...

I say do it. If law school is the desire God has placed on your heart, then He will get your through it. He will help you overcome those fears. My pastor used to always say, "Don't doubt in the darkness what God has showed you in the light." It is so true. Just my opinion, for what it's worth.... =)

Gayle said...

I say "go for it" as well! If you wait much longer you may never do it, and if children enter into the picture you might as well forget about it until they are grown! They will come first and you will always wonder "what if...?" and that's worse than anything else!

Praying about this is also very good advice.

Ashley said...

I think you should go for it.

Why? Because if it becomes too much, you can always leave it.

You're obviously debating over this for a reason--because you don't want to look back and regret what you COULD HAVE done.

Of course it's scary. But isn't that also what makes it exciting?

Obviously, in the end, you should do what feels right for you.

tessie said...

A quote I've heard before,"If the Lord sends you He will keep you." I think it was refered to going to a foreign mission field but I guess it could also refer to school, too. Pray, seek God's will, read God's Word!

God bless!~Psalm 37:3-7

tessie said...

Psalm 37:3-7

Anonymous said...

Psalm 37:3-7

Melissa said...

Hey Nunzia! I told you I'd post on your blog, so here I am!

Btw, I went to Frontline last Sunday (after we had talked about it). I gotta be honest and say that I wasn't especially impressed with the sermon. It may have just been an off night. But the worship was GREAT! I love when worship is real loud! We'll have to go visit it again!

crossblade said...

and to add to wht green said..
my mom was born when my grandmas was 40 :)