Tuesday, July 19, 2005

A Lesson Upon Waking

The rain was crashing down again outside the window, but the world outside would never be the same. I’d been given new eyes, and the nightmare that so abruptly, and almost accurately, materialized, took shape in everything surrounding me, to the point where there was nothing in me, nothing in my life, that it didn’t touch.

When I got home from the hospital on Saturday night and saw the blog that I’d last posted, it sent a cold chill down my spine. I’d never imagined when I wrote that Friday morning - a week and a day before - that by that night, before I could even close my eyes to sleep, the world would change in such a similar fashion - only this time, I wouldn’t have the red blanket to draw near to - though I found myself reaching for it so many times in the night over the course of my stay. Something about that color, that blanket, that reminded me of the full red moon I witnessed unlike any we had ever seen before, that recalled for me how cold my skin had been against the chair up on the roof and how soft it felt against my legs. In one instance, those nights were lost to me, and even though I couldn’t see the sky for so many days, I knew it would never be the same sky again, that nothing would ever again seem as beautiful, and the fact that I was unable to get outside did not matter as much as the fact that the world I knew had disappeared, much like a dream upon waking, in spite of what a wonderful dream it had been.

We often can’t control our dreams, but when we sense that we are dreaming and anticipate that we’ll be woken, we cling to the images, we try to stay longer (as I did this morning), and it’s seldom our fault when we wake and the dream is lost and we cannot remember. Sadly, in life, there are choices we make; we can choose, whether it’s our intention or not, to shatter the very dreams we build, if we try to hold on too hard. I wish that I had believed those words when I first heard them, and while wishing does precious little to turn back time, I learn from them what I can now, I carry them with me; I don’t forget.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

that was a good blog. everytime i read something you write i am just taken back at the pictures you paint. its amazing. you need to write books! i'm serious. someone would publish you in a heart beat.

No-L said...

Glad you are back! Thanks for the info on the earbuds, I might wait, sound quality is important to me.

Anonymous said...

the way i see it is that u have to hold on to what u can but let go off the memories and images that cause you pain. some1 once told me: IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING SET IT FREE, love that lasts forever NEVER ENDS. dont give up.

Brad said...

You could always invest in an alarm with snooze-- when i need to wake up, the snooze button keeps me half asleep for like an hour-- fantastic!
I hate responding to your heart-felt feelings with glib witicisms, but I will anyway, because, while you always used your writing to release your feelings in a torrent of deep and emotional passion, I always try to put depression, passion, loss and sadness aside and laugh it off. Consider it my emotional crutch.
So, here goes an attempt at actual unsolicited advice. You always look at things, especially in the blog, from this angle of darkness, almost desperation. Now, i understand that part of that is as a result of the fact that the blog is actually your therapy, and getting all this stuff out, no matter how dark and depressing it may be, makes you feel a lot better about everything. So i will chalk the tone of the posts up to that.
The point of this seemingly endless circular advice is that sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And many times the stuff around you piles on your shoulders and makes you feel like you're going to break under its weight. Basically, I know you can break through it Nan, because i believe in you. You are one of the strongest people i've ever met, and everytime life has dealt you a bad hand, you always seem to get through it with a renewed sense of self and a strength that comes with experiencing it...
Keep your chin up kid, and even the cold-sweat nightmares can't break you...
--b