Friday, December 15, 2006

What My Heart Still Doesn't Know, But Head Believes...

Abby is gone. All that’s left of her is an empty shell. That is what the expert from NYU, who went to the hospital to evaluate my precious niece and give my sister a second opinion, told my family earlier. There is nothing left of her. All those moments when it seemed that she could hear our prayers over her, all those times she opened her sweet little mouth and winced her face trying to cry, might just have been involuntary reflexes. All this time we thought she was fighting, she was only sleeping. She might already have gone home to be with God.

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I never wanted to believe that. Even now, my heart will not accept it. How can that be true? How can she be gone when we only got to keep her for such a short time? We never got to hear her laugh or see her take her first steps. We’ll never get to know what kind of child, what kind of girl, what kind of woman she would have been. She’ll never know how wonderful and beautiful and tragic this world can be.

All I have left are a few precious hours engrained in my mind, when I held her in my arms and felt amazed at how much love I could feel for something so small.

Today, my sister got to hold her baby for the first time in four weeks… minutes before they told her that her baby was gone. Instead of planning Abby’s first Christmas, she is planning her funeral.

There are just no words…

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

My dear Nan,
As you said, there are no words to convey the sorrow we feel for your family. No answers no solace, just love and prayers from our home to yours. At this terrible time,we seek mercy and some sort of peace for your family that Abby is at last well and safe.
Please know we continue to pray as our tears continue to flow for all of you.
GOD bless you and yours Nan.

Laura said...

Nancy I am so sorry...please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Nunzia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pia said...

i don't know what to say. my heart is grieving with you. i was hoping and praying with you... this is so so sad. oh, nan, i wish i could say something to make things better but i can't. God knows best.

praying for you and your family... (((HUGS)))

Cinder said...

Nan...words aren't adequate enough to express how sorry I am...you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers during this tragic time.

Kc said...

May God comfort and encourage you all as only He can. My heart aches for you all.

audrey` said...

Oh my dearest Nan

I'm so sorry and sad...
Please take care and be strong.

Praying for you and your family.

(((HUGS)))

martie said...

Oh Nan, how heavy my heart is for you and your family at this time.
My family and I have had to plan a funeral for a baby that we never got to know a few years ago.....my daughter still struggles with the loss.

There are no words that I can offer to comfort any of you.......God be with you all!!!!

Kira Marx said...

I am deeply, deeply sorry.

In my religion, we are directed to avoid shallow platitudes because there are no words that can measure or assuage grief like your family is feeling right now. We simply say, "May G-d comfort you with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

Corry said...

Oh Nan, I am so sorry!
My thoughts and prayers are with y'all.

God's Grace.

Godwyn Lim said...

Hey Sister Nan,

Sorry I haven't been blogging much!

I will keep praying for your family! The Lord Heals the Broken Hearted!

Fell at home, fracture my leg, so Bed rest till Sat...

Just did an entry, drop by when you are free! Have a great week ahead!

jel said...

No words, just y'all are in my prayers!


huggs

green said...

As hard as it is to deal with and as inadequate as it may seem now, that dear baby is now in Jesus arms, which is by far a better place.

And if you believe in the rapture, as I do, when the dead rise to new, glorious bodies; a blink-of-an-eye's time before those who are living will, then there is joy becasue one day you all will be reunited with her.

For now, though my prayers and thoughts go out to your sister, brother in law and your whole family.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry. I am praying. (kaymac)

crossblade said...

I am praying for your family dear Nuzia.....

God be with you

MRJ said...

That is so sad... you're right, there are no words to describe it... we're praying for her soul and for your family.

Justin and Jennifer said...

Hello,
A year ago this month my wife and I went through what your family is going through right now. Our daughter Anarazell was only with us for 2 weeks. There are no words that will make you feel any better. Thankfully you are Christians and you have faith in God knowing that He is good, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.
If there is ANY reason that you would like to reach us feel free. We had people "meet" us through our blog and we are good friends now. Our e-mail is honeybugs@gmail.com. If you need to vent or anything, feel free to do it to us. We've done our share of it.
On our blog going back to Nov-Dec of '05 you can read about our struggle and how God used people to touch us through it. It doesn't have a "happy" ending per sa, but again God is in control and we can trust in that.
We are praying for you, and please let your sister know that our hearts are breaking for her as someone who has been exactly where she is at.
Justin and Jennifer

Ryan said...

I'm so very sorry. I will be praying.

I know that in the months and years ahead, your family and especially your sister will seek answers on the how and why in God's providence we endure such hardships. Safe in the Arms of God: Truth from Heaven About the Death of a Child by John MacArthur offers consolation to believers. Let us find solace in an eternal perspective, and the greater glory to come in the Heavenlies, and find comfort that dear Abby is safely in the arms of God.

:-(

Godzheart said...

Dear Nan,
May our Living and powerful God encourage you and your family and may His peace surround you all through this painful time.
Will be uplifting you in my prayers.
God Bless

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. The asking about God's will part pulled at my heart strings. As if God is playing a big cosmic game of chess. When my sister was about a week away from her due date she asked the doctor to induce, she just knew that my neice needed to be born. But there was no reason. Then she woke up a few days later and the baby wasn't moving. The umbilical cord had wrapped around Julia's neck and cut off flow of blood to her brain. One of the things that my sister said to me that helped me deal with my grief was this: some souls only need a brief period of time on earth and they chose parents who can handle it.

You will never know why all you can know is that you were blessed for the brief moment she was present in your life and she will live in your heart as long as you carry her there.

May you know God's comforting love.

Kitty Cheng said...

I am soooo sorry Nan! I can't begin to imagine how sad you and your family must be feeling. Please know that I'll keep you and your family in prayers.

Bill Scott, Sr. said...

This was my journal entery today and I felt like it was not for me only....but for you as well. My prayers are with you.

Journal 12/22/06

Oh what I would do have the kind of faith that it takes to climb out of this boat of unbelief and fear on into the crashing waves of obedience and intimacy with the Lord. I desire to step out of my comfort zone of apathy into the realm of the unknown. I long to go into that place where I am able to see you Jesus standing upon the shore as you hold out your hands calling out my name. But the waves are really terrifying as they shout out my name. The waves mock me and laugh at me. They remind me of all the times before when I tried to step out in faith and yet I failed and sank as they crashed down upon my weary soul. As the water rises and falls, twists and turns, I start to get a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach as I feel sea sick; alone, and scared.

Yet the voice of Jesus calls out to me saying, “Do not be afraid”. The voice of Jesus speaks to me saying, “All this is for My glory son, trust Me”. I can hear the Lord though many voices are calling out to me. As the waves rise and crash around me yelling out curse words and blasphemies against me and also against my Lord; I hear through all the chaos the soft whisper of Jesus. “Do not be afraid, Bill. Come to Me. Take the leap of faith and step out into the unknown depths of the ocean’s tide.”

“Lord, the waves are simply too big. I can’t stand in this torrent of destruction!”

“Bill, do not be afraid, simply follow the sound of my voice. You will be ok, follow my voice my child!”

So I jump out of this boat of apathy into the raging torrents of despair in hopes of finding the One who alone can satisfy my thirsty and weary soul. The raging waters only terrify me; they do not quench the overwhelming thirst that invades my core being. And as I take this step of faith and jump into the water, I get drenched, I get beat up by the harsh cruel reality of the currents wetness as the winds of despair blow the raging seas all around me. I sob in total horror as the current overtakes me like a sudden flood. I am bitterly cold as the icy chill rips through my body. I am abandoned and alone. I start to sink as fear grips me. The waves screech and yell, “You are going to drown. There is no hope for you now!”. I turn and begin to swim in desperation as I head back towards the boat. “Where did it go? Where is the boat I just jumped from?” I look in every direction for the boat but it is too far away; it is too dark to see….I frantically splash as I kick my arms and feet while treading water to stay afloat. I am in a panic.

“Bill, follow my voice….”

Though I feel like I am all but dead in this violent downpour I start to turn towards my only hope. And this hope is not something tangible like the boat I came from, it is merely a voice in the distant horizon. As I tread the fierce storm waters and look to where the voice is coming from, I fearfully begin swimming as the thunder assaults me. I swim and swim and swim. I swim for days, weeks, months, years…I keep swimming.

“You are a liar, backstabber, betrayer, deceiver, LIAR” are the words that are thrown at me in my torturous swim of faith. “You are such a back stabber! You are a LIAR, You deceive everyone!” are the words I hear from the white wash waves as they punish and splash upon me. Yet in the midst of these harsh words I hear Your whisper, “Bill, follow Me….follow My voice.” I can see you holding onto my pain and using it to pull me closer to you and closer to your ways as I swim in your direction.

In absolute desperation I swim harder and faster, as I race frantically towards the whisper I hear in the distance. Your voice is so hard to make out at times in the midst of this storm. So I swim on hoping that I am swimming in the right direction as I am tossed to and fro in the waters of death. As the storm rages on, I swim enduring the sufferings that are inflicted upon my drenched and lowly frame. I am now desperately seeking and frantically searching for the voice of my Lord.

And though I don’t understand your ways Lord; I am passionately seeking the sight of your face as that is all that keeps me moving forward. You are all I am in need of now. I know it’s going to be worth it all once I finally see you. I believe that with all my heart. This storm of suffering that I am enduring will be worth it. How I look to that day that I finally make it to the shore where you no longer have to pull on the strings of my heart. For on that day, my heart will be fully in your hand. You will no longer have to tug; for you will have me fully; wholly and I will be safe in your arms as you are my hope and shelter as I endure this fierce storm.

Until then please help me to swim. Help me to run the race with endurance until I finally get to behold you in all your glory. Help me to follow your voice in the midst of suffering. Help me to cling to the hope of seeing you as I swim on in my insecurity. Help me to trust you when I start to lose heart and feel like giving up.

I can’t wait to see your face before me. I can’t wait to stand with you on the shores of eternity. I can’t wait to walk beside you; embracing you as you embrace me. I can’t wait to be surrounded by your glory. I can’t wait to be in the presence of my king….to sing and dance before my Lord. You are worth more than swimming in a thousand oceans and the more I swim the more desirable you become. You are far more valuable than the very life that I have to offer you. I worship you Jesus. I simply cannot fathom what it will be like on that special day when the race is finally over and you are there standing at the finish line. Oh the glory, what a wonderful day that will be.

Bill Scott, Sr.

terri said...

Praying for you and your family.

God bless,

Terri

martie said...

Nan, just stopping by to tell you I'm thinking of you and hoping you are able to find some peace and joy this Christmas season.

My prayers remain with you and your family during this most difficult time for all of you.....remember that God is faithful!

McSwain said...

There are no words. I am so sorry, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

jennifer said...

Dearest Nan & Family- There are no words that can ease your pain. No one should ever have to go through this. My prayers are with you. Sending you all my love. Remember what I always told you " If you keep your chin to the sun, you'll never see the shadows." I love you. Stay strong.