Wednesday, March 15, 2006

So a Laywer Walks into a Bar....

Last night I watched a movie – a very very lame movie – entitled “A Murder of Crows,” which is pretty much about a lawyer with no morals (redundant?) who passes off a book about killing lawyers as his own and gets framed for the crimes when the book turns out to be true. The movie – a very very lame movie – had a few funny things to say about lawyers.

In any case, I’ve been a little distracted lately with work (strange, I know) and I’ve been in need of some amusement. So, I’ve undertaken finding as many good lawyer jokes as I can. We can all use a good laugh – and why not some self-deprecation? As I certainly will need to be used to hearing a few years from now. So, feel free to add on to what I’ve found here… and laugh, if you like. We can all use a little more love and a little more laughter. I’m spent right now and copying and pasting is all I can manage. Enjoy!

How do you help a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head!
………………………………………………
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
………………………………………………
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
………………………………………………….
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
…………………………………………………
A Doctor and a Lawyer Were Attending a Cocktail Party
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.
……………………………………………………

You’ll Never Have to Go to Jail
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.

And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

……………………………………………………
What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.
……………………………………………………
Why do you bury a lawyer 600 feet underground after he dies?
Because deep down, he’s a really good guy!
……………………………………………………

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
.....................

Glad I can still appreciate them!

20 comments:

Jayne said...

Well, laughter is the best medicine!! :)

Pia said...

jayne's right. hehe... =)

Anonymous said...

how can you tell if a lawyer is lying? if his lips are moving!

Come on people! u've all heard some good one's start putting them out there!

M said...

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

M said...

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Corry said...

Loved the jokes. I wish I could remember some I have heard. I must be getting old :-/.
It's true, laughter is the best medicine, hehe.

God's Grace.

audrey` said...

Jayne and Pia are right =]
HeHeHe!

Damian said...

I guess you will soon be the subject of all these jokes, lol. Take care and God bless

Kristi said...

Ha ha ha! I can't remember any more off the top of my head, but these were good. =)

crossblade said...

he he yeah good ones!!!
and hey when u become a lawyer dont forget them...just kidding!!
have a great weekend Nun
GOd bless

Patti said...

I love lawyer jokes. Thanks for these.

green said...

I don't know off hand any lawyer jokes. But the ones you posted and the ones here in comments are funny. ANything for a reason to smile

Stay well

Anonymous said...

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Anonymous said...

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in
common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human
being.

LOL said...

Two lawyers were walking down the street, when they saw a
beautiful,
voluptious woman.

"See that woman?" asked the first lawyer "I would really
like to screw her!"

The second lawyer looked at him and asked, "Out of what?"

Bushwack said...

Thanks for the laugh, I needed that today.

carolyn said...

Oh nan... and you're going to be one! Scary!!! ;)

I still have to watch your movies. I was hoping to get to them this weekend. Maybe sometime this week?

Bill Scott, Sr. said...

These were Great!

pink letter law said...

From a soon-to-be lawyer (pardon the foul language)

Q:What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primary urge is to cluck defiance. When a lawyer wakes up in the morning, their primary urge is to F$#% the clients.

Nunzia said...

LOLOLOL thanks guys!