Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I am hurting; I am grateful.

Words, lyrics, poems, pour out of me like music lately, and yet, I feel as though I can barely carry a tune on my own. Gone to me are the days when I sang for the worship team for the church across the street. Now it is little more than a brick wall that faces my apartment in the same way so many brick walls both real and imagined now stand in my way. Now, I'm just one of the 2,000 voices at McLean Bible's Frontline, and yet, it's in my time of despair, when I feel so anonymous, that I seem to hear my own voice so clearly. Why has there always been so much creativity in suffering for me?

I believe I've blogged on this before.

When I was younger, I remember the sounds of screaming - dogs barking, walls banging, dishes sometimes breaking - and I remember how I drowned it out only with the words I poured out on the pages of my notebook. Waves of creativity washed over me so often, it was a wonder that I was first published at age 10 and that the story that won my admission to Duke University's Creative Writing program at age 15 was entitled, "These Walls."

In this, my suffering is a blessing, even though it brings me back to such dark and deep places. I no longer feel numb. I no longer feel devoid of creativity. I am hurting.

I am grateful.


crossblade said...

God be with you dear,
its true intense emotions can make some people creative...
Creativity is a gift , its a talent from God..
and you have it
some of the most beautiful hyms were written during the hardest of times!!
God has great plans for you

Damian said...

I write my best poems when i feel hurt or loneliness. It is the human nature i guess that finds ways to triumph over the pain we have to face, hope abounds. You are deep and i guess you reach deeper in time of pain. Just don't stay too deep too long. God be with you.

eliz. said...

Keep writing, my friend! Let the words just roll out of you...they will touch people b/c they are from the depths of your soul.

crossblade said...

hey Nuziza,
howz you??
waiting read ur posts