Friday, June 16, 2006

Nan Plans...

“Man plans and God laughs.”

That was what a mentor of mine once said to me. I remember being a little surprised by his statement because he was an atheist, but I agreed that in some ways he did have a point. We plan and plan and plan our lives but we forget that nothing is guaranteed, not even tomorrow.

This week, I’ve learned all too well what my mentor meant - though I doubt that God is as sadistic as the adage implies. If anything, I think it’s more of a chuckle than thunderous amusement.

When I was very young, an endocrinologist told me that I would have to have a baby very young if I ever wanted to be a mother. I couldn’t have been much more than 10 years old and my parents had taken me to see him only because I was very short for my age – something I never really grew out of, no pun intended. It was an irresponsible statement to make to someone so young and impressionable and not one I fully understand even to this day. Needless to say, I grew up with the irrational fear that I’d never be able to have children. It was almost as though my fears spoke it into being true.

After much speculation and several years of treatment for endometriosis - something the vast array of doctors I saw were not even positive I had, I decided I’d had enough. There was no real evidence then that suggested that what that callous physician had said would come true. Yet, that (combined with large doses of hormones I received and several unrelated surgeries on my spine I underwent) did not stop me from tumbling into a pit of depression so deep that I’d only recently managed to climb out of. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust God. It was that I didn’t understand why His reasoning would be so contrary to what I deemed, “common sense.” I’ve always believed that I would make a great mother…

“My daddy is going to marry N and they’re going to have a baby and I’m going to have a sister,” V announced to a perfect stranger at the bus stop a week or so ago. I looked down at her and pressed my lips together and nodded. “Or a brotherrrr,” she sighed.

She couldn’t have known why my face had changed the way it did. She couldn’t have suspected that I had just found out days earlier that evidence had finally surfaced to support the case the vast array of doctors had made. For three weeks after the tests (which the technician clued me in to without the doctor present), I was filled with fear that everything I thought I’d overcome was coming back to haunt me. But the doctor never called to give me the results. No news is always good news, I reasoned. Finally, I called and scheduled an appointment, determined to hear an explanation of the results from someone authorized to tell me. That appointment was this morning.

The whole train ride, I felt really proud of myself for brushing off my fears. The doctor would have called if something was wrong. The technician must have misinterpreted what she saw. I was going to have a beautiful family with M and V would be thrilled. God wasn’t really going to allow this to happen to me after everything that’s happened and I had been foolish to worry. That was the lesson I was going to learn.

Nan planned…


I guess that’s why I was surprised when the doctor confirmed my wildest fears and left me in an even more certain limbo than I’d ever been before. Although she officially diagnosed me, she explained that it would be years before I’d be able to have the necessary surgeries to determine whether or not I’d be able to have children. I’d have to be married and trying to get pregnant for at least a year before the insurance would pay for it, she explained - noting that I was just starting law school in a month and a half and explaining that given that, it would be at least 4 years before I’d be eligible for the necessary tests. That would leave me a year away from 30 before I’d even have certainty – and who’s to say I ever will? I am grateful my faith is strong.

With all the recent planning for my future: my career, my wedding, my life, I had forgotten that no matter how much control I think I have, some things are out of reach and nothing is guaranteed. Some things have to be left up to God. And while there is comfort in that, there is still fear. I don’t want to become bitter or resentful. I don't want to be angry at God. In this case, it seems that what I want is beside the point.

“My times are in Your hands…”

27 comments:

Godzheart said...

Dear Heavenly Father, we know that all things are possible to them that believe and right here on this blog comment, I pray for sister Nunzia, that You would turn everything into good, for Your glory and her blessing.

Amen

Damian said...

God is still in the miracle business and I think if you ask Him and use His promises that He gave to us back to Him, He will not withold any good thing from you. I was watching just the other night on discovery health a story of a lady that had cancer and did chemo and lost her ovaries but because she had a doctor tried something and she conceived twice. If you like I will put your situation personally up for prayer with our prayer team at church.

martie said...

I will ask God to answer your prayers that you will be able to conceive when the time is right. My parents were told years ago that they would never have any children and began adoption procedures and lo and behold my mother becamse pregnant with my older sister. She had two more little girls within a five year time span. Prayer works wonders!! Hugs!

Jen said...

Thanks, Nan, I needed those words today. As I struggled with my own wants and plans today, God gave me your words and the following by Amy Carmichael:
If I hold on to choices of any kind,
just because they are my choice;
if I give any room to my private likes and dislikes,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

Tim Rice said...

Nan, I'm so sorry. These things are hard to bear. But I think you are doing right in sharing it with others so that you don't have to bear it alone. My prayers are with you. And I appreciate your attitude approach to this situation. I believe God will use that in both yours and other people's lives.

elmo said...

Hi Nan, thanks for sharing. i was also afraid of having those bitter n resentment feelings in me when all i planned failed. its true wat u said, we forget that nothing is for certain. God sees thru everything.

Kc said...

I have no words, only a great desire to see you comforted and blessed in spite of all this.

M said...

We can't see into the future and there's a reason for that. If we could then there would be no need for faith. We can only pray for Gods will to be done and trust that His plan for you (us) is best. Regardless, you do have one little girl who loves you very much as if she were your own and I know you will continue to be a wonderful mother to her. I love you so much sweetheart. mwa

crossblade said...

I am praying for you...
God is awesome...
there is nothing my GOD cant do!!!
love you dear
God be with you M and V
thomas

Live, Love, Laugh said...

My sister in law was told she could never have children, however they continued to pray and God blessed them with two girls a year apart.

Corry said...

There is always hope in God and if one door closes, He opens another.
We keep you in our prayers, Nan. May He bless you richly.

Love you, girl.

God's Grace.

pink letter law said...

I get it now... . I am constantly reminded (like the most recent weekend vacation example and also hmmm, WHY am I taking the bar for a third time?) to let go of the plans that I have made and trust that God's plan will reveal itself. It is my hope that His plan will bring you everything that you desire and more!

Peacemaker said...

Nan,

Just remember that our faith isn't in what God can do, it's in who He is. He is just, He is holy, He is righteous. You know he wants the best for you. He has a vested interest in your life and future. He will never leave you or forsake you.

That's his promise. That said, our reasoning and intelligence is confounded by his wisdom. Something we may see as awesome may very well be that...but not at the time we want, or in the way we want it.

If your faith is in what he can do, you will be tossed and turned on the proverbial sea of emotions based on everything he "does" in your life.

But if your faith is in who he is, then there is peace. He does not change from day-to-day, he is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

...That said, I think doctors are right just slightly more often than the weather men. Consider the words, but don't put stock in them. God does have a habit of making physicians look foolish...

Tony Myles said...

Wow... amazingly honest and faith-centrered. Hang tight... there are no adequate words, which is perhaps why the Holy Spirit groans for us.

audrey` said...

There is always hope in our Lord.
Pray for a miracle :)
May our Lord bless you and M richly.

Godwyn Lim said...

Nan,

Jesus our good God is the one who make the blind see, the lame to walk, the weak to be strong & the sick to be whole! Surely a miracle you ask, a miracle you WILL receive!

That is why Jesus says never worry about today as the day worry by itself!

Praying for you! Jesus is the way, the light of the World, Jesus is our Love! Let Go, Let God!

Godwyn Lim said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
thebeloved said...

God is good. And He knows what he is doing. He is faithful to his promise to work all things together for good for you. Blessings!

Genna said...

Hi Hon. I was blogging this evening, looking for someone to pray for and I came to your site. I am looking at the comments and am filled with so much joy over how many people don't just love you, but are praying for you.

Even though I have a very strong faith in God, sometimes I know I question God's intentions. But what you are being given is medical information, not spiritual. Hold onto your faith and believe that the supernatural is possible.

I will be praying for you also! :o) Praying for a miracle that you will receive at the right time.

Kitty Cheng said...

Nan, thanks so much for your sharing. It's so encouraging to see that your faith is strong, and you know that your times are in God's hands. God always wants the best for you, no matter what the outcome is. Will keep you in prayers.

Nunzia said...

First, to all of you guys. I can't tell you (even though I try and fail quite often :) how much your encouragement and prayers mean to me.

Genna, the first sentence you wrote hit me so hard and made me realize how self-centered i can be. You were looking to give by reading other's blogs and not to take and I think that is what it really means to be a Christian. I am so glad that the others here who comment in this spirit share that in common with you.

God's Grace!

Pia said...

nan, i refuse to accept whatever the doctor said because i believe in my heart that you will be a mother to your own child. it is God's will for us to have children. i know somebody who went through several surguries and almost went through a hysterectomy. but lo and behold, God moved and gave her the miracle she's been praying for. doctors said she's not going to get pregnant ever. God said otherwise. she had 2 miscarriages, 1 dead baby and three lovely girls after that. the point is, miracles do happen. God's will for you and for me is to be mothers to our own children. that, i firmly believe. don't lose hope, nan. even if what's happening around us contradicts what God has promised to give us. God's will will prevail.

green said...

God does allow miracles sometimes.
Remember that Abraham and Sarah had Isaac when they were well beyond chold bearing years.

I just read in my daily Bible reading 1 Samuel 1 and there's another instance of God answering prayer with a baby.

Keep the faith Nan. If you're destined to have babies as part of God's Plan then have them you will.

Not in our time but in His time.

audrey` said...

Yes, Nan and Pia, both of you will be mothers of very adorable kids one day.
Just wait upon our good Lord.
He knows your hearts' desires.
Praying for both of you.
God bless!

Godwyn Lim said...

Amen!

I stand inline with what PIA wrote! Nothing is impossible for Jesus as He is God, a good God that makes ALL things come true!

Confess with your mouth, believe in your heart, a miracle you ask, a miracle you receive!

I know it is easy to say but hard to do. Confessing is one thing as oppose to doing. Jesus always heals, always protect & always love...

Nan you are a Child of a God of most High Amen?! Stand Still & recieve the miracle!

God Bless:-)

tessie said...

God bless you in your walk with God. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He has things planed so much better than we can ever imagine.

Anonymous said...

Hi Nan. Long time.

My wife was told by several different doctors that we would never be able to have children.

God laughed then, too.

My older daughter turned 14 on Wednesday and my 8 year-old daughter earned her blue belt in karate this morning.

Now I laugh, too. Whatever your plans, God's plan is better.